1 00:00:01,871 --> 00:00:02,872 [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] 2 00:00:05,614 --> 00:00:06,658 What happened to this country? 3 00:00:07,572 --> 00:00:08,573 [IMITATES GUN FIRING] 4 00:00:10,097 --> 00:00:11,098 Bravo. 5 00:00:22,065 --> 00:00:24,198 [clock chiming] 6 00:00:28,898 --> 00:00:31,031 GUILLERMO: It's a really weird time in the household 7 00:00:31,074 --> 00:00:35,078 because Colin Robinson is no longer with us. 8 00:00:35,122 --> 00:00:37,080 I mean, vampires are no strangers to death. 9 00:00:37,124 --> 00:00:39,648 They deal with it every day with the people that they kill. 10 00:00:39,691 --> 00:00:41,563 But when they lose one of their own, 11 00:00:41,606 --> 00:00:43,173 they just don't know how to deal with it. 12 00:00:43,217 --> 00:00:45,088 I mean, their only funeral-type tradition 13 00:00:45,132 --> 00:00:46,872 is that they get a new portrait made 14 00:00:46,916 --> 00:00:48,483 with all of them except for the newly deceased, 15 00:00:48,526 --> 00:00:49,962 and I don't think that's a really healthy way 16 00:00:50,006 --> 00:00:52,095 of dealing with the loss of a family member. 17 00:00:52,139 --> 00:00:54,402 Perhaps we'd all like to go around the room 18 00:00:54,445 --> 00:00:56,969 and each one of say something that we liked 19 00:00:57,013 --> 00:00:59,015 - about Colin Robinson? - Oh, leave us alone, Guillermo. 20 00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,538 You're giving everyone a big bummer. 21 00:01:00,582 --> 00:01:02,192 When she's right, she's right. 22 00:01:02,236 --> 00:01:04,020 - LASZLO: Should he even be here? - GUIDE: I know. 23 00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:07,502 I did think this was sort of a "vampires only" portrait. 24 00:01:07,545 --> 00:01:09,199 Hey, he is a valued member of the team 25 00:01:09,243 --> 00:01:12,115 and has every right to be in this portrait. 26 00:01:12,159 --> 00:01:14,770 Even though he is a dog. 27 00:01:14,813 --> 00:01:16,250 LASZLO: I wasn't talking about the dog, you halfwit, 28 00:01:16,293 --> 00:01:17,860 I was talking about Gizmo. 29 00:01:17,903 --> 00:01:18,948 Yes, well, Gizmo needs to be here 30 00:01:18,991 --> 00:01:20,863 to help control the Hellhound. 31 00:01:20,906 --> 00:01:22,212 GUILLERMO: If they talked about their feelings, 32 00:01:22,256 --> 00:01:23,605 then the healing could begin. 33 00:01:23,648 --> 00:01:24,780 -[whining] - Guillermo, 34 00:01:24,823 --> 00:01:26,173 your Hellhound is wandering around 35 00:01:26,216 --> 00:01:27,826 and pissing all over our floors. 36 00:01:27,870 --> 00:01:30,133 And once they're healed, they would realize that 37 00:01:30,177 --> 00:01:31,613 the dynamic's a little off. 38 00:01:31,656 --> 00:01:34,311 So maybe they need to make a new vampire. 39 00:01:34,355 --> 00:01:37,575 I-I just heard it, and I know... 40 00:01:37,619 --> 00:01:39,142 I know what you're thinking, 41 00:01:39,186 --> 00:01:41,405 but I truly believe that that's what's needed 42 00:01:41,449 --> 00:01:44,713 to really restore-- And I deserve it. 43 00:01:44,756 --> 00:01:46,889 ["You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing] 44 00:01:46,932 --> 00:01:49,370 ♪ Don't sing if you want to live long♪ 45 00:01:49,413 --> 00:01:52,721 ♪ They have no use for your song♪ 46 00:01:52,764 --> 00:01:55,637 ♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead♪ 47 00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:57,465 ♪ You're dead and out of this world♪ 48 00:01:59,031 --> 00:02:02,078 ♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone♪ 49 00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:04,820 ♪ You sold out your dream to the world♪ 50 00:02:04,863 --> 00:02:08,040 ♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead♪ 51 00:02:08,084 --> 00:02:09,825 ♪ You're dead and out of this world.♪ 52 00:02:09,868 --> 00:02:11,566 ♪ 53 00:02:21,924 --> 00:02:23,534 DONAL: Yeah, I took up painting 54 00:02:23,578 --> 00:02:25,232 during season two of Grounded for Life. 55 00:02:25,275 --> 00:02:26,711 As an actor, you spend a lot of time 56 00:02:26,755 --> 00:02:28,452 sitting around your trailer, waiting for them 57 00:02:28,496 --> 00:02:30,193 to light the next scene or whatnot, 58 00:02:30,237 --> 00:02:33,327 so I got some brushes and a how-to book from Blick, 59 00:02:33,370 --> 00:02:34,893 and I think I've gotten pretty good. 60 00:02:34,937 --> 00:02:37,244 This is the cast of Grounded for Life. 61 00:02:37,287 --> 00:02:39,550 Oh, my God, Jake and Griffin were so squirrely, 62 00:02:39,594 --> 00:02:41,378 I was like, "Look, here's the deal. 63 00:02:41,422 --> 00:02:43,598 "I'm gonna take a picture, and then you guys can fuck off 64 00:02:43,641 --> 00:02:45,991 and do whatever you want to do." 65 00:02:46,035 --> 00:02:48,603 I finished the painting from a photo, but you know, 66 00:02:48,646 --> 00:02:50,866 that's the way a lot of the masters work now. 67 00:02:50,909 --> 00:02:53,477 This is the front gate of Radford in Studio City. 68 00:02:53,521 --> 00:02:55,653 I was really happy with the way the light reflected 69 00:02:55,697 --> 00:02:57,525 off the admin building that day. 70 00:02:57,568 --> 00:03:00,049 I think I really captured it. 71 00:03:00,092 --> 00:03:02,791 This was a gaffer I worked with onER. 72 00:03:02,834 --> 00:03:04,662 The guy had just such an amazing face, 73 00:03:04,706 --> 00:03:06,229 I was just staring at it. 74 00:03:06,273 --> 00:03:07,926 I was staring at it when I was on camera, 75 00:03:07,970 --> 00:03:09,754 which would get me in trouble, you know? 76 00:03:09,798 --> 00:03:12,931 But I think I really got his essence. 77 00:03:12,975 --> 00:03:14,585 So when the gang here said that they needed 78 00:03:14,629 --> 00:03:16,239 a new portrait done, I said I'd be more than happy 79 00:03:16,283 --> 00:03:18,894 to stick around and do it because I had some downtime 80 00:03:18,937 --> 00:03:21,549 between the next meeting of the Worldwide Vampiric Council 81 00:03:21,592 --> 00:03:25,335 and the two-episode arc I booked on SVU next month. 82 00:03:25,379 --> 00:03:27,424 You gotta remember I came up with MTV in the '90s, 83 00:03:27,468 --> 00:03:29,296 where they were like, "Go shoot 15 hours 84 00:03:29,339 --> 00:03:30,862 "of Jimmy the Cab Driver, 85 00:03:30,906 --> 00:03:32,386 and then we'll figure out where to stick it later," 86 00:03:32,429 --> 00:03:34,039 - but when I got Grounded... - NADJA: Oof. 87 00:03:34,083 --> 00:03:35,824 - This buhbutz is really killing me. - I know. 88 00:03:35,867 --> 00:03:38,261 Right? I mean, I like the cinema, 89 00:03:38,305 --> 00:03:40,524 but don't need to know how the sausage is made. 90 00:03:40,568 --> 00:03:42,309 Yeah, and it's kind of insensitive. 91 00:03:42,352 --> 00:03:43,527 I mean, we're all still mourning the death 92 00:03:43,571 --> 00:03:45,181 - of Colin Robinson. - I'm not. 93 00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:46,226 Well, that's what I'm talking about. 94 00:03:46,269 --> 00:03:47,749 We need to talk about that. 95 00:03:47,792 --> 00:03:48,532 - How you're feeling... - We don't need to talk 96 00:03:48,576 --> 00:03:49,968 about anything. 97 00:03:50,012 --> 00:03:51,796 We are having our picture painted. 98 00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:54,016 Then we will have a picture that Colin Robinson is not in, 99 00:03:54,059 --> 00:03:55,583 and we can forget about him forever, 100 00:03:55,626 --> 00:03:56,888 and this will heal us. 101 00:03:56,932 --> 00:03:58,890 Why did we have to rush it? 102 00:03:58,934 --> 00:04:00,196 The corpse has barely begun to stink, 103 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:01,719 and we've got the Tao of Steve 104 00:04:01,763 --> 00:04:03,286 - painting our portrait. - NANDOR: Oh, here we go. 105 00:04:03,330 --> 00:04:06,071 Nadja's masking her true feelings with a joke. 106 00:04:06,115 --> 00:04:08,073 That was not a joke. A joke has a punchline. 107 00:04:08,117 --> 00:04:09,553 And you wouldn't know a punchline if it ran over 108 00:04:09,597 --> 00:04:11,251 your scrotum with a penny farthing! 109 00:04:11,294 --> 00:04:13,427 [laughter] 110 00:04:13,470 --> 00:04:16,299 Oh, I am sorry, but that was a good one. 111 00:04:16,343 --> 00:04:19,171 Also, I feast upon hate. 112 00:04:19,215 --> 00:04:21,304 You know what? Fuck this whole thing! 113 00:04:21,348 --> 00:04:24,351 Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! 114 00:04:24,394 --> 00:04:27,963 You're cool. Fuck you, and fuck you! 115 00:04:28,006 --> 00:04:29,486 - Fuck all this shit! - Whoa. 116 00:04:29,530 --> 00:04:31,314 You are not storming away from me. 117 00:04:31,358 --> 00:04:34,099 I am storming away from you, but in a different direction! 118 00:04:34,143 --> 00:04:35,840 - Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. - Fuck you. 119 00:04:35,884 --> 00:04:37,189 DONAL: You know what, maybe we should just 120 00:04:37,233 --> 00:04:38,887 take five, shake it off. 121 00:04:38,930 --> 00:04:40,889 When he says "take five," five of what? 122 00:04:40,932 --> 00:04:42,412 And where are we taking them? 123 00:04:42,456 --> 00:04:45,415 This last year, it has not been easy on me. 124 00:04:45,459 --> 00:04:47,765 My search for love has 125 00:04:47,809 --> 00:04:49,332 been stymied at every turn. 126 00:04:49,376 --> 00:04:51,073 - I'm a lesbian. - Are you sure? 127 00:04:51,116 --> 00:04:52,248 Definitely sure. 128 00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:54,250 Would you do me the honor of being 129 00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:55,686 my vampire bride? 130 00:04:55,730 --> 00:04:57,645 I was married before. 131 00:04:57,688 --> 00:04:59,951 NANDOR: I discovered that there is no meaning or purpose 132 00:04:59,995 --> 00:05:01,823 to the universe, 133 00:05:01,866 --> 00:05:03,607 because of the Big Bang Theory. 134 00:05:03,651 --> 00:05:06,741 And on top of all that, the death of Colin Robinson-- 135 00:05:06,784 --> 00:05:10,440 it has, I must confess, hit me quite hard. 136 00:05:10,484 --> 00:05:12,355 Life is precious. 137 00:05:12,399 --> 00:05:15,358 Even so-called eternal life can be snuffed out 138 00:05:15,402 --> 00:05:17,055 at a moment's notice. 139 00:05:17,099 --> 00:05:19,841 Colin Robinson's head imploding into a pile of goo 140 00:05:19,884 --> 00:05:24,628 has made me realize that I need to make the most of my life. 141 00:05:24,672 --> 00:05:27,762 Which is why I've decided to leave Staten Island 142 00:05:27,805 --> 00:05:29,764 - and travel the world. - What? 143 00:05:29,807 --> 00:05:33,071 Visit the Great Fjords of whatever country they're in. 144 00:05:33,115 --> 00:05:35,160 Get a job on one of those boats that collect plastic 145 00:05:35,204 --> 00:05:36,945 - from the ocean. - What the hell are you talking about? 146 00:05:36,988 --> 00:05:40,905 - Guillermo, did I not tell you all this already? - No. 147 00:05:40,949 --> 00:05:42,777 - Sorry. Would you mind giving us a moment? - Sorry. 148 00:05:42,820 --> 00:05:44,344 Can you just give us one minute? 149 00:05:44,387 --> 00:05:45,606 - Thank you so much. - NANDOR: Appreciate it. 150 00:05:45,649 --> 00:05:47,259 GUILLERMO: Careful with the rug. 151 00:05:47,303 --> 00:05:48,913 You can't make any rational decisions right now 152 00:05:48,957 --> 00:05:50,437 because you're dealing with Colin Robinson's death 153 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:51,786 and you're running away from your feelings. 154 00:05:51,829 --> 00:05:53,396 Yeah. So what? I hate my feelings. 155 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,137 You know what, this plan, it sounds great out loud, 156 00:05:55,180 --> 00:05:56,921 but I-I, I just can't drop everything that I'm doing. 157 00:05:56,965 --> 00:05:58,488 I have duties, you know. Responsibilities. 158 00:05:58,532 --> 00:06:00,272 Like, my mom is here. I can't just pack a bag 159 00:06:00,316 --> 00:06:01,665 and go on a world tour with you at the drop of a hat. 160 00:06:01,709 --> 00:06:04,494 You're not coming with me. 161 00:06:04,538 --> 00:06:06,409 What? 162 00:06:06,453 --> 00:06:08,672 You are one of the things I need to get away from 163 00:06:08,716 --> 00:06:10,326 to make a fresh start. 164 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,502 No offense. 165 00:06:12,546 --> 00:06:14,330 Okay, well, how you gonna travel? 166 00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:16,114 Just by night? You're just gonna carry 167 00:06:16,158 --> 00:06:17,768 your ancestral dirt with you and your coffin wherever you go? 168 00:06:17,812 --> 00:06:20,031 - That-that's insane. - Yes, you're right. 169 00:06:20,075 --> 00:06:21,772 There's a lot of details to figure out. 170 00:06:21,816 --> 00:06:24,862 And you are going to figure them out for me. 171 00:06:24,906 --> 00:06:27,387 - Oh, surprise, surprise. - As your last duty. 172 00:06:28,997 --> 00:06:31,956 My sweet, sweet Guillermo. 173 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:35,177 You don't understand because? 174 00:06:35,220 --> 00:06:37,179 I'm not a vampire. 175 00:06:37,222 --> 00:06:39,616 Yes! Trust me, 176 00:06:39,660 --> 00:06:42,489 Nadja and Laszlo, they are itching to get away. 177 00:06:42,532 --> 00:06:45,274 These vampire pods, they don't last forever. 178 00:06:45,317 --> 00:06:47,450 And I'm not gonna be the last one in here 179 00:06:47,494 --> 00:06:50,018 all alone like a fucking loser. 180 00:06:52,847 --> 00:06:54,501 I would rather not talk about the death 181 00:06:54,544 --> 00:06:57,591 of Shmolin Shmobinson because my dear husband Laszlo 182 00:06:57,634 --> 00:06:59,114 is having a bit of a hard time dealing with it. 183 00:06:59,157 --> 00:07:00,594 What are you talking about? 184 00:07:00,637 --> 00:07:02,378 I said you were having a hard time dealing 185 00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:04,859 with Colin Robinson's very disgusting and tragic death. 186 00:07:04,902 --> 00:07:07,296 Well, that would be bullshit, then, wouldn't it, my darling? 187 00:07:07,339 --> 00:07:09,037 I couldn't give a tinker's fig. 188 00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:10,473 - People die all the time. -[whispers indistinctly] 189 00:07:10,517 --> 00:07:12,954 -[Guillermo gasps] - Animals die, plants die. 190 00:07:12,997 --> 00:07:14,042 Oh, Gizmo, it's just you. 191 00:07:14,085 --> 00:07:15,783 It's kind of important. 192 00:07:15,826 --> 00:07:18,002 Can't you see I'm doing my talking-to-the-camera thing? 193 00:07:18,046 --> 00:07:20,614 I'm busy. Shoo! 194 00:07:20,657 --> 00:07:22,137 ...by lunchtime I was in the whorehouse 195 00:07:22,180 --> 00:07:24,487 with two prostitutes and three good-time boys. 196 00:07:24,531 --> 00:07:27,229 Hold on, I've just had the best idea. 197 00:07:27,272 --> 00:07:28,448 I think I might know just the thing 198 00:07:28,491 --> 00:07:30,493 to cheer you up, my love. 199 00:07:30,537 --> 00:07:32,016 I don't need cheering up. 200 00:07:32,060 --> 00:07:33,801 How's about me and you take a lovely little trip 201 00:07:33,844 --> 00:07:37,108 - back to merry old England? - No. 202 00:07:37,152 --> 00:07:38,762 We could get a red bus and make love in it. 203 00:07:38,806 --> 00:07:41,983 We could get a black cab and make love in it. 204 00:07:42,026 --> 00:07:44,420 We could go to Madame Tussaud's and look around. 205 00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:46,117 If I were to need rest and recuperation 206 00:07:46,161 --> 00:07:49,120 for my dear friend's death, that fuck hole would be 207 00:07:49,164 --> 00:07:51,035 the last place on Earth 208 00:07:51,079 --> 00:07:52,428 that I would choose to go back to. 209 00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:54,909 You know this. I made a precious vow 210 00:07:54,952 --> 00:07:58,129 - never to go back there again. - Laszlo! Ugh! 211 00:07:58,173 --> 00:08:01,350 United Kingdom? United Ding-dong, more like. 212 00:08:01,393 --> 00:08:03,961 Nadja, Nadja, I really need your help. 213 00:08:04,005 --> 00:08:05,397 It's about Nandor. 214 00:08:07,008 --> 00:08:10,881 - I suppose we just wait. I don't know. -[hisses] 215 00:08:10,925 --> 00:08:12,404 We have a problem. 216 00:08:12,448 --> 00:08:13,928 You are not the only one with problems, Gizmo! 217 00:08:13,971 --> 00:08:15,843 Look at you. "Oh, everyone feel sorry for me 218 00:08:15,886 --> 00:08:17,322 "'cause I'm a pathetic human, 219 00:08:17,366 --> 00:08:18,846 "and I can't fly, and all I do is 220 00:08:18,889 --> 00:08:20,456 sit on the toilet all day." 221 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:23,590 Well, what about my needs? Look. Look at this. 222 00:08:26,549 --> 00:08:28,899 Uh, that's not how that works. 223 00:08:28,943 --> 00:08:30,422 - Oh, you do it! - Okay. 224 00:08:30,466 --> 00:08:32,512 This is a glass paperweight, 225 00:08:32,555 --> 00:08:35,123 and this is the TV control. 226 00:08:35,166 --> 00:08:37,081 - We push this in... - Patronizing. 227 00:08:37,125 --> 00:08:38,692 ...and play. 228 00:08:38,735 --> 00:08:41,912 [brief theme music plays] 229 00:08:41,956 --> 00:08:45,089 -This is not taping over RuPaul, is it? - No, no. 230 00:08:45,133 --> 00:08:46,830 -'Cause I haven't seen the latest episode. - It's a fresh... 231 00:08:46,874 --> 00:08:49,180 -Okay, good. What? - We're recording. 232 00:08:49,224 --> 00:08:50,747 Oh. Ahem. 233 00:08:50,791 --> 00:08:54,272 Dark greetings, Nadja of Antipaxos. 234 00:08:54,316 --> 00:08:56,710 You must know by now that I've had my eye on you 235 00:08:56,753 --> 00:08:58,363 for quite some time. 236 00:08:58,407 --> 00:09:00,975 Your work on your local Vampiric Council 237 00:09:01,018 --> 00:09:03,891 has been quite impressive. Yas, queen. 238 00:09:03,934 --> 00:09:06,023 Everyone is going on about it. 239 00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:09,461 And thus, we would be delighted for you to join us 240 00:09:09,505 --> 00:09:11,681 in London, in England, 241 00:09:11,725 --> 00:09:14,162 where you will take a position that ranks amongst 242 00:09:14,205 --> 00:09:18,427 the highest of all worldwide Vampiric Council positions. 243 00:09:18,470 --> 00:09:20,690 We do hope you'll accept this offer promptly, 244 00:09:20,734 --> 00:09:22,736 because as you know, vampires hate waiting. 245 00:09:22,779 --> 00:09:26,087 Even though we're immortal, waiting is just still a thing. 246 00:09:26,130 --> 00:09:29,003 So, if you accept, as fast as you can, 247 00:09:29,046 --> 00:09:32,528 tape your acceptance speech on a VHS tape, and then 248 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:35,575 put it in an envelope and send it by mail, 249 00:09:35,618 --> 00:09:37,794 and eventually it'll get to us. 250 00:09:37,838 --> 00:09:39,579 This is your last ch... 251 00:09:39,622 --> 00:09:41,624 You're thinking of leaving, too? 252 00:09:41,668 --> 00:09:43,583 Of course I want to leave. 253 00:09:43,626 --> 00:09:45,846 It is such a great honor and opportunity, 254 00:09:45,889 --> 00:09:48,065 and I would have a chance to finally do something 255 00:09:48,109 --> 00:09:49,763 with my stupid eternal life. 256 00:09:49,806 --> 00:09:51,199 But it is not to be. 257 00:09:51,242 --> 00:09:52,417 - Good. - What?! 258 00:09:52,461 --> 00:09:53,897 I mean, uh, why? 259 00:09:53,941 --> 00:09:56,204 Because Laszlo will never go back to England. 260 00:09:56,247 --> 00:09:58,249 You heard him. He has sworn it. 261 00:09:58,293 --> 00:10:00,121 But I cannot leave him on his own. 262 00:10:00,164 --> 00:10:03,646 You know, I went on holiday for two weeks in 1924, 263 00:10:03,690 --> 00:10:05,692 and when I got back, he hadn't fed himself once. 264 00:10:05,735 --> 00:10:08,956 He spent all his time writing poetry and wanking. [sighs] 265 00:10:08,999 --> 00:10:10,522 So, no, I can't go. 266 00:10:10,566 --> 00:10:12,873 So you're saying if Laszlo doesn't go, 267 00:10:12,916 --> 00:10:15,789 then you certainly won't go? 268 00:10:15,832 --> 00:10:18,008 I literally just said that to you. 269 00:10:20,532 --> 00:10:22,012 I know it seems like I'm panicking, 270 00:10:22,056 --> 00:10:23,840 but I'm not panicking. It's just that I'm afraid 271 00:10:23,884 --> 00:10:25,668 it's like a party; as soon as one person leaves the party, 272 00:10:25,712 --> 00:10:27,496 another person decides it's okay for them to leave the party, 273 00:10:27,539 --> 00:10:28,758 and before you know it, the whole party's over. 274 00:10:28,802 --> 00:10:29,803 And you devoted 12 years of your life 275 00:10:29,846 --> 00:10:31,108 to a certain type of party, 276 00:10:31,152 --> 00:10:31,892 and it's not gonna end like this! 277 00:10:31,935 --> 00:10:33,894 [piano playing] 278 00:10:34,851 --> 00:10:36,723 -[shouts] - Sorry. 279 00:10:36,766 --> 00:10:38,115 Hey... 280 00:10:38,159 --> 00:10:39,290 Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you, 281 00:10:39,334 --> 00:10:40,814 I just had a question. 282 00:10:40,857 --> 00:10:42,729 If this has anything to do with the fact that 283 00:10:42,772 --> 00:10:44,731 I won't let anybody touch Colin Robinson's body, 284 00:10:44,774 --> 00:10:47,298 yet I myself have not been down to the basement 285 00:10:47,342 --> 00:10:49,823 to pay my respects, I can answer that. 286 00:10:49,866 --> 00:10:52,782 There's nothing down there. Only a bag of skin. 287 00:10:52,826 --> 00:10:56,264 Plus I find that kind of sentimental gesture 288 00:10:56,307 --> 00:10:57,613 fucking tawdry. 289 00:10:57,657 --> 00:11:01,486 No, no, that wasn't it. I wasn't-- 290 00:11:01,530 --> 00:11:04,011 No, it was just a random question that I was-- 291 00:11:04,054 --> 00:11:07,754 What do you think about England? Is it a cool place to live? 292 00:11:07,797 --> 00:11:11,888 No, it is absolutely not a cool place to live. 293 00:11:11,932 --> 00:11:13,760 - Why not? - You want to know a story about 294 00:11:13,803 --> 00:11:17,067 - England and the English way? - Yeah. 295 00:11:17,111 --> 00:11:20,680 -[Laszlo playing piano] - I used to be a member of a club. 296 00:11:20,723 --> 00:11:22,203 The Sherwood Club of London. 297 00:11:22,246 --> 00:11:24,596 My father was a member of a club 298 00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:26,947 called the Sherwood Club of London. 299 00:11:26,990 --> 00:11:28,557 His father was a member of a club 300 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:31,429 called the Sherwood Club of London. 301 00:11:31,473 --> 00:11:34,084 - You get where I'm going with this? - I think so. 302 00:11:34,128 --> 00:11:36,521 Anyway, treachery was afoot, and I was expelled 303 00:11:36,565 --> 00:11:38,741 from the Sherwood Club of London. 304 00:11:38,785 --> 00:11:41,875 The decision was unanimous. 305 00:11:41,918 --> 00:11:46,053 So I left the UK and came here, 306 00:11:46,096 --> 00:11:47,489 to the New World. -[plays "America the Beautiful"] 307 00:11:47,532 --> 00:11:49,926 To the land of opportunity, 308 00:11:49,970 --> 00:11:52,799 where men-- and, I'm told, some women-- 309 00:11:52,842 --> 00:11:55,453 can be kings of their own castle. 310 00:11:55,497 --> 00:11:59,022 Where industrialists can rub shoulders with chimney sweeps. 311 00:11:59,066 --> 00:12:01,285 My late friend Walt Whitman said to me, 312 00:12:01,329 --> 00:12:04,071 -"You'd better put that away, Laszlo..." - So you're saying 313 00:12:04,114 --> 00:12:08,423 you would never, ever go back to England. 314 00:12:08,466 --> 00:12:09,772 Yes, I am. 315 00:12:09,816 --> 00:12:11,469 -[playing piano] - I would never, ever, 316 00:12:11,513 --> 00:12:14,342 ever, ever, ever 317 00:12:14,385 --> 00:12:15,735 go back to England. 318 00:12:15,778 --> 00:12:17,127 Well, there you have it. 319 00:12:17,171 --> 00:12:18,738 -[bell ringing] - Oh. 320 00:12:18,781 --> 00:12:19,826 - There's the bell. - DONAL: Five minutes, vamps. 321 00:12:19,869 --> 00:12:20,783 Time to get back to the portrait. 322 00:12:20,827 --> 00:12:22,567 Tell him to fuck off. 323 00:12:22,611 --> 00:12:23,960 - I'm busy here. - All right. 324 00:12:24,004 --> 00:12:26,223 Plus, that conversation about my homeland 325 00:12:26,267 --> 00:12:27,964 has given me the pip. 326 00:12:28,008 --> 00:12:29,879 - Of course. - I shall need ten minutes to recover. 327 00:12:29,923 --> 00:12:31,968 [playing dramatic melody] 328 00:12:38,670 --> 00:12:40,455 SIRE: Hel-lo. 329 00:12:40,498 --> 00:12:42,762 BARON: Your English is coming along nicely. 330 00:12:42,805 --> 00:12:44,981 - Hey, guys. - Hey. - SIRE: Hey... 331 00:12:45,025 --> 00:12:46,591 You see? You have made progress. 332 00:12:46,635 --> 00:12:49,072 I have to remind myself that vampires always make 333 00:12:49,116 --> 00:12:51,858 these grandiose plans, but they never see them through. 334 00:12:51,901 --> 00:12:53,685 - Everything's gonna be A-ok... - NANDOR: It's a map. 335 00:12:53,729 --> 00:12:55,209 It's a cape. 336 00:12:55,252 --> 00:12:57,080 - It's a mape! -[laughs] I'll tell you what, 337 00:12:57,124 --> 00:13:00,170 - world travel looks good on you, Nandor. - Thank you. 338 00:13:00,214 --> 00:13:03,260 -[Guillermo clears throat] - Oh, hi, Guillermo. Good news. 339 00:13:03,304 --> 00:13:06,437 She is an expert on international vampire travel. 340 00:13:06,481 --> 00:13:09,919 It's true. I book all the trips for the Vampiric Council. 341 00:13:09,963 --> 00:13:12,356 - Really the only fun part of my job. - Yes. 342 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,097 Anyway, we figured out all the details 343 00:13:14,141 --> 00:13:15,838 - so you don't have to worry about a thing. - No. 344 00:13:15,882 --> 00:13:18,319 I mean, I don't think you've thought of everything. 345 00:13:18,362 --> 00:13:19,886 - I mean, what about... - The coffin? Super easy. 346 00:13:19,929 --> 00:13:21,409 All you need is international bill of lading, 347 00:13:21,452 --> 00:13:22,627 - and that's kind of it. - Really? 348 00:13:22,671 --> 00:13:24,064 - GUIDE: Here's a tip. - Yes? 349 00:13:24,107 --> 00:13:26,936 Put your ancestral soil in your Jansport 350 00:13:26,980 --> 00:13:30,070 so it's always on your back, and you can just lie down anywhere. 351 00:13:30,113 --> 00:13:32,507 - What's a Jansport? - It's a backpack. - It's a backpack. 352 00:13:32,550 --> 00:13:35,379 - It's a very popular backpack. - It's a children's backpack. 353 00:13:35,423 --> 00:13:37,251 That's smart. That's very smart. 354 00:13:37,294 --> 00:13:38,861 - Anyone could have thought of that. - NANDOR: Let's celebrate. 355 00:13:38,905 --> 00:13:41,864 [laughing] 356 00:13:41,908 --> 00:13:43,170 Master, listen to me. 357 00:13:43,213 --> 00:13:44,911 Nadja and Laszlo aren't leaving after all. 358 00:13:44,954 --> 00:13:46,869 So you don't have to worry about being all by yourself. 359 00:13:46,913 --> 00:13:49,263 But I'm excited for this trip now. 360 00:13:49,306 --> 00:13:52,396 It's gonna be a real eat, prey, love kind journey for me. 361 00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:54,616 What do you mean? You're gonna pray? 362 00:13:54,659 --> 00:13:56,705 Well, how am I gonna eat if I don't prey on people, dummy? 363 00:13:56,748 --> 00:14:00,535 Now, you must travel by railway and always at night. 364 00:14:00,578 --> 00:14:01,971 It's the only way to stay safe. 365 00:14:02,015 --> 00:14:04,452 Plus, it's usually much cheaper. 366 00:14:04,495 --> 00:14:06,541 NANDOR: Oh, I'm so excited. 367 00:14:06,584 --> 00:14:09,544 I cannot wait to see all the wonders of the world. 368 00:14:09,587 --> 00:14:11,154 The Colossus of Rhodes. 369 00:14:11,198 --> 00:14:13,591 The Hanging Gardens of Babylon. 370 00:14:13,635 --> 00:14:15,550 The beautiful unmarred face of the Sphinx. 371 00:14:15,593 --> 00:14:17,900 Ah, cheers to that! 372 00:14:17,944 --> 00:14:19,293 -[bell ringing] - We should finish our portrait. - DONAL: Come on, everybody! 373 00:14:19,336 --> 00:14:20,294 - Shall we? - Absolutely. 374 00:14:20,337 --> 00:14:21,469 And there are so many 375 00:14:21,512 --> 00:14:23,036 wonderful vampire hosts 376 00:14:23,079 --> 00:14:24,515 - I can hook you up with. - Oh, please. 377 00:14:26,517 --> 00:14:27,997 DONAL: You know, you spend your whole life wanting 378 00:14:28,041 --> 00:14:30,695 to shoot in New York; Brooklyn in this case. 379 00:14:30,739 --> 00:14:32,262 We were at Steiner Studios. 380 00:14:32,306 --> 00:14:34,656 And then you find yourself so far from your family, 381 00:14:34,699 --> 00:14:36,745 - it gets kind of lonely. - I have to say something. 382 00:14:36,788 --> 00:14:39,226 - I'm sorry, Donal Logue. - Quite all right. 383 00:14:39,269 --> 00:14:41,750 I know that we're all a little bit shaken up 384 00:14:41,793 --> 00:14:43,795 - by the death of Colin Robinson. - LASZLO: Speak for yourself. 385 00:14:43,839 --> 00:14:45,885 I'm as dry as a nun's doodah. 386 00:14:45,928 --> 00:14:47,756 GUILLERMO: Well, regardless, we have to remember 387 00:14:47,799 --> 00:14:50,019 that there's the family that you're born into, 388 00:14:50,063 --> 00:14:51,760 and then there's your chosen family. 389 00:14:51,803 --> 00:14:53,501 That's what we are. 390 00:14:53,544 --> 00:14:56,112 We're a chosen family, and it's a rare thing... 391 00:14:56,156 --> 00:14:57,505 I've been offered a job in England, 392 00:14:57,548 --> 00:14:58,810 - and I want to move there! - Whoo-hoo! 393 00:14:58,854 --> 00:15:00,290 - Over my dead body. -[both gasp] 394 00:15:00,334 --> 00:15:02,031 Well, it seems everyone's getting into it now. 395 00:15:02,075 --> 00:15:05,121 I have decided to leave the island of Staten, 396 00:15:05,165 --> 00:15:09,473 travel the world and rediscover my groove. 397 00:15:09,517 --> 00:15:11,301 - You are so selfish, Laszlo! - DOLL NADJA: She's right. 398 00:15:11,345 --> 00:15:14,609 I made a vow never to return to that cack house 399 00:15:14,652 --> 00:15:16,089 ever, ever again. 400 00:15:16,132 --> 00:15:18,308 - But why? - You know why. 401 00:15:18,352 --> 00:15:21,790 - The British are a pack of classist wankers. - BARON: Here, here. 402 00:15:21,833 --> 00:15:24,271 And those fuckers expelled me 403 00:15:24,314 --> 00:15:25,837 - from the Sherwood... - From the Sherwood Club. 404 00:15:25,881 --> 00:15:27,752 Yes, I know. You have told me so many times. 405 00:15:27,796 --> 00:15:29,363 Yeah, I've told you so many times, 406 00:15:29,406 --> 00:15:31,713 but I've never told you why. 407 00:15:31,756 --> 00:15:33,454 And now I will. 408 00:15:33,497 --> 00:15:34,890 I always thought it was because of 409 00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:35,978 all the whores and the whoring. 410 00:15:36,022 --> 00:15:37,110 They don't give a fuck about 411 00:15:37,153 --> 00:15:38,676 whores and whoring, my darling. 412 00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:40,765 They didn't even care that I was a vampire. 413 00:15:40,809 --> 00:15:43,986 What they did object to, however, was the fact 414 00:15:44,030 --> 00:15:46,249 that I fell in love and eventually married 415 00:15:46,293 --> 00:15:50,601 the most beautiful, simple girl. 416 00:15:50,645 --> 00:15:53,517 A girl with no surname, 417 00:15:53,561 --> 00:15:56,477 no social standing. 418 00:15:56,520 --> 00:15:59,262 They actually called her a peasant girl. 419 00:15:59,306 --> 00:16:04,050 A girl from a tiny village on a dirt island 420 00:16:04,093 --> 00:16:05,442 in the Mediterranean. 421 00:16:05,486 --> 00:16:08,968 That girl is the most beautiful girl 422 00:16:09,011 --> 00:16:10,578 I have ever known. 423 00:16:10,621 --> 00:16:14,277 That girl's name-- yes, my darling-- 424 00:16:14,321 --> 00:16:18,064 - Is my name? - Is your name. Nadja. 425 00:16:18,107 --> 00:16:21,110 - Oh, snap. - Snap, indeed, Donal. 426 00:16:21,154 --> 00:16:23,808 But, my dark baby, 427 00:16:23,852 --> 00:16:26,115 I will be returning to England to assume a position 428 00:16:26,159 --> 00:16:28,596 on the Supreme Vampiric Council. 429 00:16:28,639 --> 00:16:30,119 Wait, what? 430 00:16:30,163 --> 00:16:32,556 We would be going back as the tip of the tops 431 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:33,862 of the upper classes. 432 00:16:33,905 --> 00:16:35,516 - Really? - Yeah. 433 00:16:35,559 --> 00:16:38,649 Well, that changes pretty much fucking everything. 434 00:16:38,693 --> 00:16:41,609 - Count me in. -[Nadja shrieks, laughs] - GUILLERMO: No, no, Laszlo, 435 00:16:41,652 --> 00:16:43,741 You made a lifelong vow to never go back 436 00:16:43,785 --> 00:16:45,830 - to that shithole, remember? - Didn't you hear what she just said? 437 00:16:45,874 --> 00:16:47,658 We're gonna rule the fucking place. 438 00:16:47,702 --> 00:16:49,138 Rule Britannia! 439 00:16:49,182 --> 00:16:52,750 [laughing, cheering] 440 00:16:52,794 --> 00:16:54,926 - Oh, okay, yeah. Oh, yeah. - Now I'm ready. 441 00:16:54,970 --> 00:16:56,537 Now I am ready. 442 00:16:56,580 --> 00:16:58,713 - So romantic. Great! - NADJA: Oh, yeah, get some. 443 00:16:58,756 --> 00:17:02,021 It is decided, we will all move on from this place 444 00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:03,848 - and regroup elsewhere. - Yes. Whoo-hoo! 445 00:17:03,892 --> 00:17:06,199 I think we should all just take a second, breathe. 446 00:17:06,242 --> 00:17:08,331 You know, just take a deep breath. 447 00:17:08,375 --> 00:17:10,072 And, I mean, the portrait's not even done, so we could... 448 00:17:10,116 --> 00:17:11,682 - DONAL: No, it's almost done. - What? 449 00:17:11,726 --> 00:17:13,032 And that's that. 450 00:17:13,075 --> 00:17:15,077 So, you're all free to go about doing 451 00:17:15,121 --> 00:17:16,600 whatever the hell it was you were doing before. 452 00:17:16,644 --> 00:17:18,907 Plus, I just got a text from my agent 453 00:17:18,950 --> 00:17:21,562 that I have to do a self-tape for a CBS pilot, 454 00:17:21,605 --> 00:17:22,867 so Logue out. 455 00:17:25,218 --> 00:17:28,047 [sighs] Always a drama with this little rascal. 456 00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:30,353 I will fix. 457 00:17:30,397 --> 00:17:33,095 You know, usually when someone is upset, 458 00:17:33,139 --> 00:17:34,705 they go to their own room, 459 00:17:34,749 --> 00:17:37,186 but I understand why you would come to my room, 460 00:17:37,230 --> 00:17:39,101 as it is a far superior room to yours. 461 00:17:39,145 --> 00:17:41,016 Which probably makes you feel even more depressed. 462 00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,888 - Is this your attempt at cheering me up? - Guillermo... 463 00:17:43,932 --> 00:17:47,544 You want us to go through this one more time? Hmm? 464 00:17:47,588 --> 00:17:49,329 It is a very dangerous world out there. 465 00:17:49,372 --> 00:17:52,114 You're joking, right? It's me who's been protecting you! 466 00:17:52,158 --> 00:17:54,029 So what, you shooed away some assassins; who gives a shit? 467 00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:55,683 If it wasn't for me, you would be dead by now. 468 00:17:55,726 --> 00:17:58,120 If not by assassins then by my very own hands 469 00:17:58,164 --> 00:17:59,861 because I am, and I will remind you, 470 00:17:59,904 --> 00:18:02,733 by birth and lineage, a vampire killer. 471 00:18:02,777 --> 00:18:06,172 And the only reason you're alive is because... 472 00:18:06,215 --> 00:18:07,956 I let you live. 473 00:18:11,438 --> 00:18:14,049 What did you just say? 474 00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:18,053 I said, the only reason you're alive 475 00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:20,142 is because I 476 00:18:20,186 --> 00:18:24,581 let you live. 477 00:18:24,625 --> 00:18:27,106 [chuckles] 478 00:18:27,149 --> 00:18:29,934 My poor, dear thing. 479 00:18:29,978 --> 00:18:32,111 You forgot that we hypnotized you 480 00:18:32,154 --> 00:18:34,896 to make it physically impossible for you to harm me 481 00:18:34,939 --> 00:18:36,724 or any or your masters. 482 00:18:36,767 --> 00:18:38,247 Do you remember that? Hmm? 483 00:18:38,291 --> 00:18:41,598 No, because we used hypnosis. [pained grunt] 484 00:18:41,642 --> 00:18:43,339 Hypnosis doesn't work on me. 485 00:18:43,383 --> 00:18:45,907 I just let you think it did so you wouldn't feel weak. 486 00:18:45,950 --> 00:18:48,910 I never feel weak, my furry little friend! 487 00:18:48,953 --> 00:18:50,259 [pained cry] 488 00:18:50,303 --> 00:18:51,391 [hisses] 489 00:18:53,306 --> 00:18:56,135 No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. 490 00:18:56,178 --> 00:18:57,397 Master, your-your sword needs polishing. 491 00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:58,963 It does? 492 00:18:59,007 --> 00:19:01,270 -[grunts] - Hey! 493 00:19:02,228 --> 00:19:05,187 - Plancha! - Don't you dare! 494 00:19:05,231 --> 00:19:06,971 NANDOR: Ow. 495 00:19:10,018 --> 00:19:12,412 Once a familiar, always a familiar! 496 00:19:12,455 --> 00:19:14,631 [cries out] 497 00:19:19,201 --> 00:19:20,333 Uh-uh-uh. 498 00:19:22,378 --> 00:19:25,120 You almost hit John! 499 00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:26,469 [cries out] 500 00:19:26,513 --> 00:19:29,255 [Nandor hissing] 501 00:19:29,298 --> 00:19:31,518 Yes, yes, finally. 502 00:19:31,561 --> 00:19:33,172 This is what I've been waiting for. 503 00:19:33,215 --> 00:19:35,913 - What? - Put the crucifix away, Guillermo. 504 00:19:35,957 --> 00:19:37,611 You have passed the test. 505 00:19:39,308 --> 00:19:41,136 What test? 506 00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:44,183 I have been worried that you have been going a little soft. 507 00:19:44,226 --> 00:19:47,795 But tonight, you have proved to me finally 508 00:19:47,838 --> 00:19:50,711 that you can take care of yourself. 509 00:19:50,754 --> 00:19:52,713 And more importantly, 510 00:19:52,756 --> 00:19:55,672 you can take care of me. 511 00:19:55,716 --> 00:19:58,066 Guillermo de la Cruz, 512 00:19:58,109 --> 00:20:02,897 will you do me the honor... 513 00:20:02,940 --> 00:20:06,379 of accompanying me on my journey around the world? 514 00:20:06,422 --> 00:20:09,469 [scoffs] If you're scared of me right now... 515 00:20:09,512 --> 00:20:11,732 If you accompany me on this journey, 516 00:20:11,775 --> 00:20:15,736 when we arrive at the banks of the River Tigris 517 00:20:15,779 --> 00:20:18,521 in my homeland of Al-Qolnadar, 518 00:20:18,565 --> 00:20:21,263 you will take a knee, 519 00:20:21,307 --> 00:20:23,918 and I will make you... 520 00:20:23,961 --> 00:20:26,225 [whispers]: a vampire. 521 00:20:27,269 --> 00:20:29,576 - Really? - My word 522 00:20:29,619 --> 00:20:31,447 is my bond. 523 00:20:32,796 --> 00:20:36,365 Then yes. Yes, of course I'll go with you, Master. 524 00:20:37,366 --> 00:20:39,890 There will be plenty of time for that kind of thing. 525 00:20:39,934 --> 00:20:42,328 - Right. - Well... 526 00:20:42,371 --> 00:20:44,678 you should go, start making arrangements. 527 00:20:44,721 --> 00:20:45,896 Yes. [laughs] 528 00:20:45,940 --> 00:20:48,769 Let our great journey commence! 529 00:20:49,944 --> 00:20:52,338 That little fucker can really move when he wants to. 530 00:20:55,906 --> 00:20:57,995 Yeah, I'm gonna miss this house, but... 531 00:20:58,039 --> 00:21:00,259 definitely won't miss cleaning it. [chuckles] 532 00:21:00,302 --> 00:21:03,436 It'll be sad to say bye to Nadja and Laszlo. 533 00:21:03,479 --> 00:21:05,264 They're off on a big adventure now, 534 00:21:05,307 --> 00:21:07,048 so I'm really happy for them. 535 00:21:07,091 --> 00:21:09,311 Don't you even fucking dare! 536 00:21:09,355 --> 00:21:12,183 But the real thing I'm looking forward to is... 537 00:21:12,227 --> 00:21:16,362 traveling the whole world with my Nand-- master. 538 00:21:17,624 --> 00:21:19,147 Just the two of us. 539 00:21:20,540 --> 00:21:22,106 - Master. - Yes? 540 00:21:22,150 --> 00:21:24,108 You need to hurry up. I still have to help 541 00:21:24,152 --> 00:21:26,110 Nadja and Laszlo load their coffin into the boat. 542 00:21:26,154 --> 00:21:28,765 And then you and I are catching a midnight train. 543 00:21:28,809 --> 00:21:32,073 Why are you helping them when my ancestral soil needs scooping? 544 00:21:32,116 --> 00:21:33,596 Because it's the last time I can say goodbye to them. 545 00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:35,859 - I thought you'd understand. - Oh, Guillermo. 546 00:21:35,903 --> 00:21:37,818 Fine, I will allow it. 547 00:21:37,861 --> 00:21:39,907 But don't think for one second I'll be getting into the habit 548 00:21:39,950 --> 00:21:41,909 - of scooping my own soil. - No, of course not. 549 00:21:41,952 --> 00:21:43,650 Oh. Can you take my luggage to the train station? 550 00:21:43,693 --> 00:21:45,216 I don't want to carry it to the dock 551 00:21:45,260 --> 00:21:46,479 and then have to carry it back... 552 00:21:46,522 --> 00:21:48,698 Hey! What, am I working for you now? 553 00:21:50,265 --> 00:21:51,353 I'm kidding, Guillermo. 554 00:21:51,397 --> 00:21:52,833 I will take your bag for you. 555 00:21:52,876 --> 00:21:54,661 Okay, gracias. 556 00:21:54,704 --> 00:21:57,446 - GUIDE [laughs]: Knock, knock, Mr. Relentless. - Hi. 557 00:21:57,490 --> 00:22:00,406 Hello. I just wanted to say goodbye. 558 00:22:00,449 --> 00:22:03,713 - Thank you. - I got you a little card. 559 00:22:03,757 --> 00:22:05,367 NANDOR: "Bon voyage." 560 00:22:05,411 --> 00:22:07,151 Those are the wraiths' signatures. 561 00:22:07,195 --> 00:22:09,197 - Oh. - Some of them don't know how to write, 562 00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:11,634 and others once did but have long since forgotten, 563 00:22:11,678 --> 00:22:13,636 so I just dipped their claws in ink 564 00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:15,159 and let them go at it. 565 00:22:15,203 --> 00:22:16,944 Smart. 566 00:22:16,987 --> 00:22:18,119 Thank you. 567 00:22:18,162 --> 00:22:20,121 Should we hug now, or...? 568 00:22:20,164 --> 00:22:22,558 I think it would be too much. 569 00:22:22,602 --> 00:22:24,865 - Okay. - Nandor, I have come to bid you adieu. 570 00:22:24,908 --> 00:22:27,128 You are a vampire I have known for a while now, 571 00:22:27,171 --> 00:22:29,348 and now our time together has ended. 572 00:22:29,391 --> 00:22:30,697 Cheers! Bye! Ha! 573 00:22:30,740 --> 00:22:32,916 GUILLERMO: Nadja, Laszlo, vámonos! 574 00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:34,353 We have to go! 575 00:22:34,396 --> 00:22:35,658 Don't you dare shout at me, Guillermo! 576 00:22:35,702 --> 00:22:37,181 I could suck out all of your bodily fluids 577 00:22:37,225 --> 00:22:38,357 in less than two seconds. 578 00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:39,488 [spits] 579 00:22:39,532 --> 00:22:41,316 - Not gonna miss that. - Laszlo? 580 00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:42,665 Where are you? It's time to get to... 581 00:22:42,709 --> 00:22:44,754 Oh. 582 00:22:44,798 --> 00:22:46,930 What were you doing in the basement, my dear? 583 00:22:46,974 --> 00:22:49,672 Nothing. Just taking care of some business. 584 00:22:49,716 --> 00:22:52,066 Oh, my sweet love. 585 00:22:52,109 --> 00:22:54,068 Were you finally saying goodbye to the decaying corpse 586 00:22:54,111 --> 00:22:55,852 of your very dead friend Colin Robinson? 587 00:22:55,896 --> 00:22:57,376 Something like that. 588 00:22:57,419 --> 00:22:58,812 Are you okay? Do you need a bit more time? 589 00:22:58,855 --> 00:23:00,248 Not at all. I feel fine. 590 00:23:00,291 --> 00:23:01,684 Let's rock and roll. 591 00:23:01,728 --> 00:23:03,904 We're missing three boxes of porn. 592 00:23:03,947 --> 00:23:06,689 ♪ 593 00:23:13,870 --> 00:23:15,916 -[horn blows] - Whoo-hoo! Guillermo, my things. 594 00:23:15,959 --> 00:23:18,484 - Coming. - Ah, smell the sea. 595 00:23:18,527 --> 00:23:20,486 I do love a journey. 596 00:23:20,529 --> 00:23:22,879 -[speaks Greek] - And I went ahead and downloaded 597 00:23:22,923 --> 00:23:24,751 all the seasons of RuPaul's Drag Race. 598 00:23:24,794 --> 00:23:26,535 Thank you very much, Guillermo. 599 00:23:26,579 --> 00:23:28,929 It has been... nice. 600 00:23:28,972 --> 00:23:30,496 Yeah. 601 00:23:30,539 --> 00:23:32,715 My darling, I will see you 602 00:23:32,759 --> 00:23:35,631 when we are kissing the ground of your native land 603 00:23:35,675 --> 00:23:38,591 and make love on the bones of those who scorned you. 604 00:23:38,634 --> 00:23:40,636 Safe passage, my darling. 605 00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:42,290 [laughs] 606 00:23:42,333 --> 00:23:45,685 - Are you in? - Yes. Lock me up. 607 00:23:45,728 --> 00:23:48,165 Right. Now, come on, don't fuck about, get that in. 608 00:23:48,209 --> 00:23:51,168 Why do you have water and food if you can't even eat it? 609 00:23:51,212 --> 00:23:52,953 It's Oreos and Pedialyte. 610 00:23:52,996 --> 00:23:55,129 This stuff's worth its weight in gold where I come from. 611 00:23:55,172 --> 00:23:57,044 I can barter that and get anything I want. 612 00:23:57,087 --> 00:23:59,350 Makes sense. Well, this is it. 613 00:23:59,394 --> 00:24:01,396 - Indeed. - All right. 614 00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:02,658 - Yeah. - Okay. 615 00:24:02,702 --> 00:24:03,833 Right. 616 00:24:03,877 --> 00:24:05,400 Safe fare. 617 00:24:05,444 --> 00:24:06,706 You, too. 618 00:24:06,749 --> 00:24:08,447 It's a lot of Oreos. 619 00:24:08,490 --> 00:24:09,796 Make sure you look after my wife. 620 00:24:09,839 --> 00:24:12,581 What? Aah! No! No, no, no, no! 621 00:24:12,625 --> 00:24:14,583 -[clang, rapid thumping] - No, no, no! 622 00:24:14,627 --> 00:24:16,672 What the fuck?! Master! 623 00:24:16,716 --> 00:24:17,934 Wait for me! 624 00:24:20,110 --> 00:24:23,287 -[horn blows] - GUILLERMO: Help! Let me out! Let me out, Laszlo! 625 00:24:23,331 --> 00:24:25,812 Laszlo, please don't! Hello! Hello? 626 00:24:26,813 --> 00:24:28,771 Hey... 627 00:24:31,339 --> 00:24:33,472 CONDUCTOR: All aboard! 628 00:24:34,821 --> 00:24:37,345 Guillermo...! 629 00:24:38,738 --> 00:24:40,174 You coming or staying? 630 00:24:43,133 --> 00:24:45,179 ♪ 631 00:24:53,143 --> 00:24:55,276 LASZLO: My dearest Nadja, 632 00:24:55,319 --> 00:24:58,584 you must be deucedly cross with me for my subterfuge. 633 00:24:58,627 --> 00:25:01,848 But you have Gizmo at your side, 634 00:25:01,891 --> 00:25:04,154 if he has not expired or drowned in his own filth 635 00:25:04,198 --> 00:25:06,417 during the transatlantic crossing. 636 00:25:06,461 --> 00:25:09,203 I did cut a small hole in the bottom of the coffin, 637 00:25:09,246 --> 00:25:12,336 so if he is either accurate or persistent, 638 00:25:12,380 --> 00:25:14,556 he should be fine. 639 00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:16,253 But I digress. 640 00:25:16,297 --> 00:25:17,733 [train whistle blows] 641 00:25:17,777 --> 00:25:20,693 Guillermo is a damn good bodyguard. 642 00:25:20,736 --> 00:25:22,259 He will keep you safe. 643 00:25:22,303 --> 00:25:23,609 [whistle blows] 644 00:25:23,652 --> 00:25:25,654 But the truth is, my darling, 645 00:25:25,698 --> 00:25:28,527 you don't need anyone to keep you safe. 646 00:25:28,570 --> 00:25:30,529 Okay, so, this is my trinkets case. 647 00:25:30,572 --> 00:25:33,053 Over these past 200 or 300 years, 648 00:25:33,096 --> 00:25:36,230 - Hurry up! - you have grown into a strong, 649 00:25:36,273 --> 00:25:39,059 bold, independent woman of the world. 650 00:25:39,102 --> 00:25:42,497 It is a strange and dangerous netherworld we inhabit, 651 00:25:42,541 --> 00:25:45,631 and I once thought you too weak and defenseless 652 00:25:45,674 --> 00:25:47,633 to navigate it on your own, 653 00:25:47,676 --> 00:25:50,505 and that you needed me about at all times 654 00:25:50,549 --> 00:25:52,246 to take care of you. 655 00:25:52,289 --> 00:25:55,945 But that is no longer true, were it ever so. 656 00:25:55,989 --> 00:25:57,251 Um... 657 00:25:57,294 --> 00:26:00,341 safe passage, Colin Robinson. 658 00:26:01,516 --> 00:26:03,039 Not much more to say. 659 00:26:03,083 --> 00:26:05,302 [sniffs] What's that... 660 00:26:06,303 --> 00:26:07,522 Oh, my... 661 00:26:07,566 --> 00:26:09,568 What the fuck? 662 00:26:10,830 --> 00:26:13,136 - What? -[clattering in distance] 663 00:26:13,180 --> 00:26:15,791 - Shit. - There are, it seems, 664 00:26:15,835 --> 00:26:17,619 others in our world... 665 00:26:17,663 --> 00:26:19,099 What's this shit? 666 00:26:19,142 --> 00:26:21,623 ...whose future is far less certain, 667 00:26:21,667 --> 00:26:23,538 whose existence 668 00:26:23,582 --> 00:26:27,673 is even more terrifying and mysterious than our own... 669 00:26:28,891 --> 00:26:33,069 ...who actually are weak and defenseless, 670 00:26:33,113 --> 00:26:37,639 -[baby bawling] - who need protection and care. 671 00:26:37,683 --> 00:26:39,510 LASZLO: Hello? 672 00:26:43,514 --> 00:26:44,690 [baby coos] 673 00:26:44,733 --> 00:26:46,039 Shit. 674 00:26:46,082 --> 00:26:50,347 ♪ Our love is young♪ 675 00:26:50,391 --> 00:26:54,003 ♪ It shines so bright♪ 676 00:26:54,047 --> 00:26:57,050 ♪ Don't ever let♪ 677 00:26:57,093 --> 00:26:58,878 ♪ It vanish♪ 678 00:26:58,921 --> 00:27:01,750 ♪ In the night♪ 679 00:27:01,794 --> 00:27:04,274 -♪ Don't wake too soon♪ -[mumbling] 680 00:27:04,318 --> 00:27:06,929 And a little to the right. 681 00:27:06,973 --> 00:27:08,409 Almost. 682 00:27:08,452 --> 00:27:10,237 A little more to the right. 683 00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:12,369 Just squaring it up. 684 00:27:12,413 --> 00:27:14,067 And a little to... 685 00:27:14,110 --> 00:27:16,896 [high-pitched screaming] 686 00:27:16,939 --> 00:27:19,942 ♪ Our love is young♪ 687 00:27:19,986 --> 00:27:21,988 ♪ Like a bird♪ 688 00:27:22,031 --> 00:27:24,207 ♪ It hovers near us♪ 689 00:27:24,251 --> 00:27:25,687 ♪ Tread with care♪ 690 00:27:25,731 --> 00:27:27,950 ♪ Lest it should hear us♪ 691 00:27:27,994 --> 00:27:29,778 ♪ Seize it now♪ 692 00:27:29,822 --> 00:27:32,651 ♪ Before it flies away♪ 693 00:27:33,913 --> 00:27:36,785 ♪ Don't let it go♪ 694 00:27:37,786 --> 00:27:41,572 ♪ Our love is young♪ 695 00:27:41,616 --> 00:27:46,447 ♪ So very young.♪ 696 00:27:46,490 --> 00:27:47,491 [song ends] 697 00:27:55,325 --> 00:27:57,414 COLIN ROBINSON: Everything you want to know about vampires, 698 00:27:57,458 --> 00:27:58,589 it's right here.[HISSING] 699 00:28:00,113 --> 00:28:01,897 - I'm in love. - LASZLO: She's half-chicken 700 00:28:01,941 --> 00:28:03,072 [CLUCKING] Nobody's perfect 701 00:28:04,204 --> 00:28:05,640 LASZLO: Bat! 702 00:28:05,684 --> 00:28:06,859 MAN: Cash or card? 703 00:28:06,902 --> 00:28:09,078 I will not be paying - for anything. - Got it. 704 00:28:10,340 --> 00:28:13,300 NANDOR: They have wellness vampires now. 705 00:28:13,343 --> 00:28:14,823 [80's MUSIC PLAYING] Stretch those hammies! 706 00:28:14,867 --> 00:28:16,607 Feel the burn! 707 00:28:17,391 --> 00:28:19,045 She has changed my life. 708 00:28:19,088 --> 00:28:20,786 [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] 709 00:28:26,052 --> 00:28:27,096 [EERIE MUSIC PLAYING] 710 00:28:27,140 --> 00:28:28,184 [WOMAN SCREAMS] 711 00:28:28,228 --> 00:28:29,272 WOMAN: We're not safe here. 712 00:28:31,187 --> 00:28:32,362 We don't really live in this world. 713 00:28:33,015 --> 00:28:34,016 We feed off of it. 714 00:28:35,017 --> 00:28:36,149 MAN: Aliens. 715 00:28:36,192 --> 00:28:37,541 Mother of God! 716 00:28:38,717 --> 00:28:40,327 How have you not gone insane? 717 00:28:41,632 --> 00:28:43,678 Once you sell your soul, it's gone. 718 00:28:44,157 --> 00:28:45,332 MAN: Boom! 719 00:28:45,375 --> 00:28:46,550 It's breaking all the rules. 720 00:28:46,594 --> 00:28:48,030 [GASPS] 721 00:28:48,074 --> 00:28:49,118 And I'm here for that. 722 00:28:49,162 --> 00:28:50,293 [GLASS BREAKING] 723 00:28:50,337 --> 00:28:51,730 [EERIE MUSIC PLAYING] 724 00:28:56,778 --> 00:28:58,519 WOMAN 1: It happened pretty fast. 725 00:28:58,562 --> 00:29:00,260 WOMAN 2: The world has changed. 726 00:29:00,303 --> 00:29:01,827 WOMAN 3: His survivor's classified. 727 00:29:01,870 --> 00:29:03,393 Nobody can know about him. 728 00:29:05,308 --> 00:29:06,745 People are going to have to pick sides. 729 00:29:08,224 --> 00:29:09,835 I think it's going to get worse 730 00:29:09,878 --> 00:29:10,966 before it gets better. 731 00:29:11,967 --> 00:29:12,968 Run! 732 00:29:15,188 --> 00:29:16,493 I imagine that you attract 733 00:29:16,537 --> 00:29:17,799 quite a bit of attention. 734 00:29:17,843 --> 00:29:19,279 You know, more than before. That's for sure. 735 00:29:25,546 --> 00:29:26,765 MAN: Hillary. 736 00:29:26,808 --> 00:29:27,896 Hillary, wake up. 737 00:29:30,681 --> 00:29:31,682 I'm sorry. 738 00:29:32,248 --> 00:29:33,249 For what? 739 00:29:33,299 --> 00:29:37,849 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0